The Language of Superior Idiocy
by dragonsdeed
Summary: AU: Smartass!Natsu. Lucy Heartfilia's surprised when coldhearted, solo–rider Natsu Dragneel asks for her help. Of course, it isn't what she thinks when he's only using her as bait to weed out Everlue, a man a part of the Black Underground who Natsu believes had contact with his father. However, something plays out wrong on Natsu's part, and Lucy's the one who takes the hit to fall.


**Author's Note: Smartass!Natsu's here. Also featuring Oblivious!Lucy with lots of Nalu, Jerza, Gruvia, Galevy, and Miraxus(Mirajane x Laxus?).**

**Hey, guys! Haha, I know I should update my other stories, but this one's pulling my leg persistently. Sorry if like half of the cast is OOC, but hey character development is there for a reason ya know.**

**Anyways, I was in the mood for mean Natsu and naive Lucy as the result is this. Yeah, that's it.**

* * *

**Chapter One:**

**"There is No Such Thing as Resurrection"**

A black dress hangs on the back of my chair, still spinning round from when I stood up in a jolt. There is no sound between Sting and I as he bows his head then takes his moment to exit the room. I would have screamed for him to come back because I wasn't done with my lecture for him, but there was no point.

It's day two, and it still hasn't sunk in. But, that's okay; I've inherited a chunk of your stone black heart anyways.

Nothing has changed. Sting's still a little kid, and I'm still Lucy. And plus, you're still nonexistent and silent so everything's the same exact way you'd left it.

Slowly, I make my way to the door Sting had left through and shut it quietly. I've moved into your study hall. No more of the first floor, cramped space next to the always running washing machines. It's kinda like the rebellious act of the century to you, even though you're not physically here.

I know you're always going to be by my side, standing next to me with your hands folded neatly. To me, when it's quiet, you're humming that damn old song that I never liked only to get back at me.

* * *

"Lucy!" Juvia waves from around the corner, a jumble of hardback books to her chest. I suddenly turn my head, my hands gripping carefully the railing to the ladder I'm on. Today, Juvia and I have to put away the millions–gillions of books in the school library.

"Juvia, what do you need?" I lash a smile, seeing the way Juvia's clumsy self nearly falls over her own feet just to be caught by them.

"Juvia needs to know where the autobiographies are because she cannot find them anywhere in this dusty pithole!" she exaggerates her sigh as she slumps her shoulders and exhausting melts to the carpet.

I wink, mindlessly climbing down the ladder steps from where I am which is practically the third step to the top, "Don't worry, you little mermaid, I know exactly where the autobiographies because the Almighty blessed me the mind of a thousand scholars and the beauty of the nebulae and constellations combined."

"Oh, thank Gray–sama, you're here, Lucy!" Juvia almost cries as she is on her knees with her hands folded up into the air desperately, "Levy threatened me if I didn't get all the books in the right place this time, she'd throw a match in my room and burn up all my handmade Gray–sama merchandise!"

"Oh, Levy wouldn't _actually_ do that," I brush off nonchalantly, still smiling my adorable face off and stepping down the ladder, "Levy's just—"

A flinch spikes through the insides of my bones so it takes me only a fraction of a second to realize: I missed a step and now falling off a very, very tall ladder to the floor. The foot slips through the imagery step I should've landed on as my hand doesn't catch the railing quick enough, and I fall backwards into the carpet which Juvia is sitting.

I squeeze my eyes closed. Hopefully, this won't hurt too badly.

A scuff grunt slides into the ear while soft fabric holds itself around me. And more importantly, the rush of lacking the physical capability of holding one up off the ground is lost when arms are hugging me closely as a thought brushes tails with me.

I'm dead, aren't I? Because I know you are behind me with your arms that are going to drag me down all the way to hell. The reason why you stayed was to take me with you.

Clingy asshole.

"You owe me," the voice isn't yours because you have a rough and harsh, cold tone unlike this boyish and rugged, but honeysweet one. I've memorized all your different voices: normal, disappointed, and angry. This one isn't yours.

"Lucy!" Juvia panics and grabs herself off the ground to smolder me with concern, "Are you okay? If you'd hit the ground—"

"Shut up, stalker," whoever's holding me snaps at her, even adding the loud clamp of his jaws. Juvia moves back, obviously taken by surprise of his rudeness. His arms squeeze me a little closer as he props me down on the ground.

I twist my head around to look at him, blinking in a daze against the bookshelf, "Um, thanks." Until, that is, I see his face and on the spot recognize him.

Natsu Dragneel, also known as the boy with flashy pink hair and a very infamous attitude, still has his arms touching me, halfway to letting go of me. At first, he's expressionless while he puts me down, but as I say the two words I do to him, he opens his very much alive eyes a little wider, reacting a bit more twitchy and off guard than I usually glimpse at him from a good distance.

"Yeah, no problem," he nods, prying his eyes off me for a second to pull away in his blue lined scarf. He stands up and glances at me for one last time before turning his back, walking away to be cut off by the corner of a bookshelf.

I want to say something else to him, but nothing comes to mind. Like should I say, _"Hey, wait! Let me repay you!"_? Or maybe, _"Thanks a bunch, we should hang out sometime!"_?

But I know from what I've seen, he'll definitely make a snarky remark then leave the set without another moment to lose. It's a lot better to just sit on the floor with your mouth gaping open stunned entirely than loathe the boy who might as well had saved your life because of a mean comment.

So I did as the first and preferred option said until Juvia's blue hair pops in front of my face with a curious expression.

"Do you know him personally?" her eyes shine with anticipation as I note the _personally_ she used in her dialogue. Everyone _knows_ who Natsu Dragneel is, but having a personal connection is a _completely_ different concept.

"N–No, not at all," I shake my head, brushing off the dirt that's not there off my skirt then proceeding to stand up, "That's the first time I've ever directly spoken to him."

Okay, storytime. I actually met Natsu Dragneel before on accident during freshman year when he'd first transferred. At first, everyone was interested and fascinated in the new pink haired transfer student because he was a shift in our environment so it's kinda natural.

I usually don't skip class. But there was this movie of a book I'd read and I wanted to see it, and somebody—who is anonymous so I'll call him A—had given me tickets to a showing. However, the showing was in the middle of the day, and I didn't have any money to spare nor did I want to waste a good ticket to a beautiful movie bought from a kind, super nice person named A just because of it's starting time.

It's a pretty decent reason to leave class. So in the ghastly and spacey hallways, Natsu had been walking there with his hands in his pockets whistling. He eyed me coming from the opposite direction and stopped in his tracks.

Then, he screamed, quote on quote, "Shitfuck," and ran for it even though I wasn't going to even tell on him. I was doing something I wasn't supposed to either.

Technically our first meeting and technically not, but in my opinion, Natsu's changed long from the person he was back then. He glares a lot more for one thing.

"Then, that's kinda weird," Juvia ponders, putting a finger on her lip before she suddenly springs up with a seethrough rifle, "Maybe he LIKES you!"

"Huh?" an involuntary, stuffed with black shitty attitude, response shoots from my mouth as I cover my mouth immediately afterwards, realizing how impolite it is to Natsu for me to insult him in such a tone.

"Juvia's right, isn't she, Lucy?" Juvia squeals excitedly, and I am forced to reluctantly pop her balloon of belief with a thin needle.

"Sorry, I doubt he even knows my name."

* * *

"Lucy Heartfilia," he says my name like it's the diagnosis of his confirmed cancer. My back is against the wall where he's cornered me, a hand drilling the part of the wall above my right shoulder. He leans in closer where we share the same area of oxygen to breath in and to release our carbon dioxide. His black irises sorta reminds me of the endless black holes I'd search for in the astronomy books when I was little. Stacks of books surrounding me with little sticky notes drooling out of them as I fumbled and flipped through massive hardback books.

I bet you're watching me now, shaking your head and mumbling under your breath how I'm too young to have such an indecent boy virtually "pin" me to the wall like a pushpin.

"You know me?" my hand consciously brushes hair from my cheek as he dips his head.

"People say you're the princess of the sandcastle," Natsu tries his best to say it in the most polite/causal way he can, even if there was no possible way to not without leaving a scratch.

My eyes trail the bare parts of his skin sticking out of his blazer with the sleeves probably scissored off by his own preference. And he's wearing no shirt underneath it so.

"Anyways," Natsu pushes himself farther into my personal space where our foreheads are one–third of a step going to bang into each other, "I want something from you, Lucy."

"Um, what is it?" a fleeing instinct inches me to rush from the scene, and I promise myself that I will. However, I have to listen to his request first.

"Can we," he pauses and digs a knife into my space bubble by sliding his mouth to my ear, "maybe eat dinner together this Saturday? You and me to a fancy restaurant for an evening date. Alone."

I almost choke on my salvia that's very close to dripping from the corners of my mouth because can you see his freaking abs and those glorious and chipped to perfection muscles!? They're fucking gorgeous, and I can't look away or pull my focus on anything else 'cause Natsu is in my _face_ and it's a little suffocating with him _shoving_ his tone body flawlessness in my motherfucking eyes!

God, aren't you the little princessfucker, smoldering me with your shitty ideals of being a professional and hot bodybuilder.

"Oh my gosh, _no."_

The bitchy doneness in my voice is on high because I have a very unhealthy and dangerous levels of asshole syndrome in my system right now. If it had been maybe someone else on another day, I would have gladly and quickly screamed yes for a hot date with a perfectly sculpted, magnificent pretty boy like an indigenous fangirl. But today, no fangirling or unnecessary squealing cried inhuman noises spout from my mouth.

Natsu flinches and freezes, his eyes aimlessly searching for something in mine, and apparently he doesn't find it because he drastically pulls away from me in a hurry.

"Just forget everything I said," he remarks panicky and dashes away from the scene of the crime without any falters or obstacles to slow him down.

From my observations, he'd normally sprout out some offensive and hurtful dis about my physical appearance to fire back at my sudden out–of–line behavior.

Hm.

* * *

Saturday night isn't productive as I meant it to be. First, I was supposed to be working on my project for cultures class but that didn't happen because I can't find my USB anywhere! It has like my 75% of the way finished fucking project, and the project's due on the Monday we get back to school!

This is complete bullshit.

I roll around in my bed and groan. I might have to redo my entire project tonight if my USB isn't found. I should really switch to Google Drive or something.

There's a knock on my window as I glance over to it, excepting some bird to be randomly pecking on it for some free food.

But instead, I see a stranger in all black, like a burglar's outfit with the mask and everything, struggling to keep his balance on my thin windowsill. He's frantically waving and banging on my window for me to open it, his body woozing back and forth.

I shake my head. Like fuck I am going to stupidly open my window to let in a complete stranger, much less a robber, into my humble residence when all I'm wearing is a T–shirt and striped panties.

The burglar loses all his shit and crazily pounds my window with his free hand, his feet and other hand clinging onto any form of reinforce they can. He begins to yell muffed German through the glass, obnoxious banging resounding in the background.

I stand up from my bed and walk over to the window, hands on my hips while I shake my head again with a determined frown. The burglar freezes for a second then slowly rips off his mask with his free hand as striking electric blue hair is shown.

Who the fuck is this?

It's a guy, and his eyebrows scrunched together as he mouths something.

But whatever he said, I don't care because he's not getting into my house. I shake my head without hesitation, set on never letting him inside.

He looks annoyed and starts up beating up my window glass, his mouth open and hollering indecipherable German again.

Shaking my head for the four hundredth time, I stare at him as his gibberish German amplifies in volume while his fist slams my window harder and harder.

I lean in with my hand next to my ear, gesturing that I can't hear him.

He stops then sighs, now shaking his head as he fogs up the glass with his breath. Flinching again, he sucks in a deep breath and puffs it out onto the glass before quickly scribbling on it with his finger, making sure to write it backwards so I can read it.

_Natsu._

I blink for a moment in disbelief before bringing my head back up at him to reexamine him. He shares my eye contact and carefully nods. Stiffly, I stroll closer to window and unlock it, pull it up all the way as he can enter.

Natsu grabs my hand and thrust himself into the window strainfully while I hold his hand close to me, helping him in.

As soon as Natsu is in all the way through the window, he shoves himself too fast out and ends up putting his fat weight on me

"Hey, wait you–!"

My back slams the carpet as Natsu's electric blue hair is in my face.

"Gee, lose some weight," I complain, struggling to pry him off my _currently–being–modestly–crushed_ body. God, I feel the slob of his spit on my throat.

He groans, ripping himself from making out with my neck, "Well, nice rack, Luce. You cushioned my fall so greatly that my muscles aren't so strained right now."

He's being sarcastic. I place my hand between his chest and my cleavage then shove him aside so I can get up on my feet.

"Wait, did you just call me Luce?" I suddenly turn around after I'd stood up, watching Natsu on his butt, scratching his blue hair irritatingly.

"Got a problem with it?" he slides in another question as he grumbles while standing up with his shaky knees, "And why did ya have to push me so hard?"

I move over to my bed and sit down, "I don't want some stranger start to hug me because he fell through the window."

I glance over to him as he has his back to me.

Goddammit. He's wearing a shirt, and I can't see a fuck when he's in black cognito that covers his entire body region.

"You left me dying outside the window too." Natsu states, twisting around to head toward my direction, "That was really cold."

"Sorry," I say really insincerely, and I don't have time to mess with him when I'm trying to relocate my MIA USB, "but my second grade teacher told me not to let strangers into my house."

"You know me, and do you really still listen to your second grade teacher?" he frowns, sitting next to me on my pink covered bed, "What? You're a fucking sophomore in highschool. Make your own decisions, Lucy."

"Okay, I will," I eye him with doubt, scooching away from him silently.

Natsu rolls his black irises, "Now that's over with, wanna go on a date with me?"

Persistent. "No thanks," I shake my head.

"Huh? Did this second grade teacher manipulate you or something and told you not to go on dates with strangers too?" he rambles impatiently with his still pink eyebrows knitted.

"Nah," my hands fold together, "That was my own decision."

"Oh, come on," Natsu snorts, his hand inching to run into his blue hair, "Don't be such a baby."

I almost snicker before I could regain composure, saying through my hands over my mouth, "Have you seen your hair, Natsu?"

He blinks at me for a second until a frown bends his lip, eyes piercing down a perfect glare if not for his pink eyebrows and jaunty blue hair, "Oh, shut up. It's not like I dyed my hair willingly, and I already know about the eyebrows, bleacher."

"Bleacher?" my hand softly lies down on my covers toward Natsu as he smirks proudly.

"You're not a natural blond, Luce," he pronounces with his arms crossed like the princefucker he is.

"You look retarded with pink hair anyways!" I stand up from my seat on the bed, offended by his super offensive and not true comment because both of my goddamn parents have blond shitting hair, and it's both a purebreed family thing.

"Aren't you the little–" he folds his hand then suddenly realizes something, light disappearing from his eyeballs before he snatches up my hand oh so impolitely, "Lucy, if doesn't even matter anymore if you want to or not because you're going on a date to me and now it's shit on!"

"Shit on what?" I ask quickly as Natsu drags me to my closet impatiently.

"My appointment in a fucking fancy restaurant is in ten minutes, and the ride there takes twenty from here!" he rips open the door to my closet and shoves me in one shot, "Hurry, hurry! Change into something nice then freaking meet me outside now!"

"Okay, I get it!" I reply to his rushed tone while he slams the door shut so I have to switch on the lights to the closet.

"Freakin' hurry, Luce, I'm going outside!" Natsu yells as he paces away with quick tapping.

"God, fine!" I grab the first dress I see on the rack, throwing off my T–shirt for the dress then making a run for it out of the closet.

"Lucy, Lucy!" Natsu is screaming at me, his entire body out of the window but his hand gripped on the sill, "We don't have time, get the hell over here!"

"Are you crazy? No way in ever, Natsu!" I shake my head while he hurriedly motions me to dash over.

"Just get over here and trust me!" he trembles a little outside the window, "I swear to God I won't let you fall!"

"Never, Natsu, I'm heading downstairs!" I turn and ditch him out the window, slamming my door open to race down the hall to the stairs barefoot.

In seconds, I'm already breathless and out the front door, running toward Natsu whose sitting on the back of a red bicycle.

"I thought you had a car!" I scold him, speedily mounting the bike behind him and hugging his waist securely.

"Transportation makes me sick, okay?" Natsu tears off his black long sleeved shirt to reveal a nice black–and–white suit with the tie and everything, "This is the only bike I can take 'cause I've been riding it for years!"

He starts to petal aggressively off of my driveway onto the sidewalk as the wind cuts into my skin and nearly feels like it's burning it.

"Oh my God, we should've just stolen my cousin's car!" I complain irritatingly while Natsu's petaling speeds up. We pass by a ton of the neighbor's gigantic mansion before we get too a forest trail.

"I'm going to throw up if we take a car!" he rants, the bike zooming straight off the forest trail and into a random but dark part of the woods.

"Where the hell are we?" I squeeze his back doubtfully. Natsu drills his bike tires into the overgrown plants, screaming indecisively.

"I think it's a shortcut, but we're almost there!"

"Fuck–" the words that are next don't come because we suddenly pull through out of the thick forest into the city streets, a restaurant across the street with lights on inside.

"There, Lucy!" Natsu points while we dart across the empty street and almost hit the glass of the restaurant with our faces, but Natsu manages to squeeze the brackets just in time to where we carefully roll harmlessly against the window.

A couple of the fancy ass folk dining inside give us a funny look then return to their meal diligently.

"I'm never ever going to do that again," I sigh in relief, climbing off his red bicycle, as Natsu reaches into the box tied to front of the bike and shows a pair of blue high heels to me.

"I knew you'd forget your shoes," he says, pushing them onto me as I hold them in surprise.

"Where did you–? Oh, forget it, they're cute so I don't care," I brush off and set the heels down, stepping into them as they fit perfectly.

It's kinda creepy that he knows my shoe size, but I said I'd forget it…

"Yeah, lemme get this hairclip into your hair too," he _magically_ has a butterfly hairpin in his hand as he moves in and puts it in for me, "It looks good, Luce."

"S–Sure," I reluctantly agree, consciously touching it with my fingers.

"Nice dress, too," Natsu checks me out from top to bottom, his arms crossing as he switches into deep thinking mode, "Blue's your color. The length is just right, short but not too short. And it's simple, very simple but cute."

"Wha?" I eye him questionably, but his body muscles and features does look sharp and handsome in that fucking tuxedo. It's just perfect and so glamorous!

Lucy, don't drool. It's not cool at all, and please, don't have a mini–fangirl heart attack right now. It ain't helpful!

But those muscles and legs and chest are so inviting and need to be _touched._ Fuck it all, he's way too ripped!

"Lucy, come on, let's go inside," Natsu offers his gorgeous buff arm to me.

"Huh? Oh, yeah," I pry myself from la la hot bod land, slowly tangling my arm into his arm muscles that are so lean and perfect.

"Mmm," he mumbles as we approach the front doors of the restaurant with something with a cursive G and other stuff, "Hey, Lucy."

"Uh, what?" Biceps. I feel a part of his ironcore abs too.

"Don't be surprised," Natsu pauses and leans in closer to my ear as my chest is pounding so hard, "if something bad happens."

Well, fuck yeah, if you pressing those abs and biceps onto my forearm any longer I might pass out!

* * *

**Author's Note: I'm very attached to Lucy's obsession with ripped guy bodies. Like hella super.**

**Tell me how you think about this story, and it powers me up in writing faster and better! Thanks for everything yo.**


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